Life isn't supposed to be perfect and neither are you (2018)

I'm a mum of three lush little girls and the wife to one domesticated god of a husband. We have a nice little house in a beautiful part of the world. But life is still hard. I'm not talking about refugee crisis kind of hard, but we have issues, we have clashes, drama and pain. We have a baby that for the life of me will not sleep through the night. We're talking several wake-ups a night with the baby often in bed with me, while domesticated god sleeps on the floor. We have a now 4 year old who throws tantrums so hard I've been in tears afterwards. Our house is "under construction" at the moment and so our non-sleeping baby is crawling around thick dust no matter how much domesticated God cleans it and it's become the only thing me and my husband talk about.

And then there's the deeper stuff. My anger issues. The emotional pain of childhood, childbirth. The guilt of parenting, the shame of past mistakes, the deep deep longing to belong; to be accepted. There's the mourning of deceased relatives and the on-off depression, the mood swings and the frequent feelings of 'Not Enoughingness". The monotony of school runs, washing, cleaning and feeding which leaves me wondering "does my life have enough meaning? Am I doing enough"?

Before I had kids you see I had a business, I loved working. I would give my time to charities close to my heart. I had relationships which were fun, and I had lots of them. I had a sense of belonging, a mission. And I was pretty stable.

Then I had a baby (wtaf?) and I got married (hello person I have to consider everyday, killer of my blissful selfishness) and suddenly there was a new pressure. It was different to finding new clients and delivering my work on time. It was keeping a baby alive, it was living up to a set of standards that I not only gave myself but that I saw everywhere. I had a husband who had married a size 8 business woman who was now attached to a size 14 full-time mum who for a time couldn't control any of her bodily functions.

But guess what? Life isn't supposed to be perfect. And nor are we. Traditional wedding vows state "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health". I don't remember if me and Ben said those vows (I do remember saying that I take him to be my "wife" hmmm oops) but we have certainly stuck by one another in each of these circumstances. And whats more, our imperfect life together has made us stronger. My post baby changes, depression and conditions made me depend on a man for the first time since I needed to borrow money from my dad while travelling. It forced me to be vulnerable and it forced him to face up to his somewhat superficial views of love.

Our imperfect personalities give us something to work on, something to humble us and something that connects us with others. Our niceness will never connect us as deeply as our brokenness.

Our weaknesses make us lean into one another, seek help and strength else where.

Our imperfect lives make us grateful for the small things and the mundane.

We will never be perfect, our lives will never be perfect. Nor should they be. So please, let us talk more about our imperfections, our weaknesses and our real selves. Because only then can we heal, only then can we have deep relationships and from only there can we truly love.