Victimhood is thriving in politics and in your relationships
A new government, a new set of lies.
Starmer is playing the usual game in politics: The blame game. His justification for every new cut or policy is the victim story of the conservatives leaving us in a mess. But there is a very strong and direct intention for this approach. When he portrays himself as the victim, he knows that people will sympathise. When he attacks and blames the other party, he knows that people will unconsciously side with the victim (him). His victim story creates a smoke screen, a distraction away from all of the things that we were promised. The subject has very quickly become ‘the evil conservatives’, rather than ‘the lying labourers’.
Politicians have been using this tactic since the beginning of time. And they usually succeed in winning people over because we all secretly enjoy joining the familiar blame game. We cannot help ourselves. We love a victim story, we like being one, we love to pity; we love to sit up on that high horse just as Starmer is currently doing so well.
Starmer, Trump and virtually all politicians present themselves as victims because if they can encourage people to feel sorry for them, then they’ll also elicit their support and favour. Trump said recently about Kamala Harris, calling her an “ineffective person” and claiming she “was in charge of the border” and “didn’t do a good job.” That subject is very raw for Americans and there is no evidence to say this is true, but if he says the same thing twice, it's almost accepted as fact.
How does this tie into couples, marriages and relationships? In conflict and disagreement or simply wanting to get our own way, we often unknowingly are seeking to determine, who is the victim (who should be pitied) and who is the perpetrator (who should be punished). Because like politicians, if we can encourage our partner to feel sorry for us, we’re much more likely to win their support, feel sorry for us, wrap them around our finger, get them to do what we want them to do. It’s subtle, and often hard not to do. Here’s an example of it in our home at 5pm:
Ben: “How's your day been?”
Kerry: “Hard. I’m so tired, the kids have been tough and I’ve got nothing left” (in other words: “don’t ask anything of me, don’t think badly of the messy house and run me a damn bath”)
Ben: “I’m knackered too, back to back calls today and still another one to go. I just want to sit on the sofa with you and watch something” (in other words: “keep the kids away, make me happy, run your own damn bath”)
How often do you and your partner unwittingly and subtly compete on tiredness? And the victor receives the coveted prize of not having to do as much stuff. Ben’s response above is actually the first step towards war, it seems subtle, but he disregarded everything that was said and changed the subject back to him. That clearly says to Kerry ‘I don’t care about you right now at this moment’.
An example of the ‘I’m the most tired’ chat:
Her: “I’m so tired”
Him: “Yeah me too, I was awake in the night remember?”
Her: “Yes I was awake with you. Plus up at 5 yesterday”
Him: Cough cough, splutter “I think I’m coming down with something”
At times, each of us wants to paint a victim picture, it’s a way of protecting ourselves. Just as the Prime Minister will always want to protect his position as leader, to avoid attack, to keep people's opinions of him and his cabinet high, so too do we want to protect our position in the home. It serves us. It prevents more being asked, it prevents our partners judgement, it elicits sympathy, service, support, which all sounds a lot like love. But it’s not love, it’s a counterfeit and this whole process and consciousness makes us miserable.
But without victimhood, we have a real chance of deeper connection. Without victimhood there is the freedom to simply ask for what we want (and get it), there is honesty, vulnerability, humility.
In order to eliminate victimhood from our conversations with our spouse, we first must become damn good listeners, to deeply listen. It might look more like this:
Ben: “How's your day been?”
Kerry: “Hard. I’m so tired, the kids have been tough and I’ve got nothing left”
Ben: “That does sound hard. What do you need from me? Do you want to tell me more?”
We don’t need to respond to “poor me” with “poorer me”, no matter how tempting! Loving and listening to our partner means not competing, not judging, simply listening. It’s the simplest, most beautiful gift.
Secondly, we need to service our own needs. If you’ve had a bad day, what’s the thing that will reset you? Is it meditation? Exercise? A phone call with a friend? A damn bath? Try your best to do that thing before seeing or speaking to your partner. Chances are you won’t both have the opportunity but if just one of you has attempted to fill your tank you can much more easily listen to your partner.
The opposite of victimhood in marriage is responsibility. Taking responsibility to connect in healthy ways, even if there are some conversations that are going to be hard to get through. It might look like a couples council/meeting, it might be a meal together, a film together, it might be a damn bath together. But connection is a much more worthy thing to seek with your partner.
Just to add, we’re not suggesting you should never complain, and of course we all suffer big things from time to time. These things need talking, even ranting about to our partners. Some things really do need attention. But the blaming, the competing, the lack of listening and the lack of self-care are a slippery slope to a marriage that's really going to suffer.
Stay connected Listeners.
Image credit: Sky News - https://news.sky.com/story/labours-journey-back-to-power-after-14-years-away-13170523
