How to Stop Money Being a Burden on Your Marriage

One of the largest causes of arguments and contention  in marriage is finances. And right now it feels more prominent than ever. There’s constant talks in the media of rising costs, and it’s not just talks; we are seeing and feeling it. 

We are certainly feeling the pinch in our home too and like many others have had to seek further work to ensure we can pay our bills and eat well. It feels as though we are unable to do the things we would have taken for granted a year or two ago.

Our approach to money and how to manage that lovingly has even been captured by the Daily Mail and featured here on ‘thisismoney.co.uk’ - https://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/saving/article-9641575/Make-date-money-little-bit-love.html

But one thing we haven’t done; we haven’t let our money worries cause us marriage worries. It has of course had an impact on our living but it will not have an impact on our relationship and here is how we manage it. The week before we got married we were pretty much bankrupt from business deals gone wrong, were in massive debt and we recovered and are now stronger than ever, we want to share those learnings with you:

1) Have money meetings. Yes they are dull, (I insist on there being dark chocolate) but not communicating where we’re at financially, will not improve where we’re at financially. Both of you have to know what’s happening. What’s in, what’s due out, what’s coming up. Bad news is better than no news, believe me. We have ours weekly which is a good start, we have it whilst children aren’t around (hard enough focussing on a spreadsheet) and we will do it in a relaxed manner with a cup of tea and said dark chocolate. 

2) Have a budget. If you haven’t made or got one already, now is the time to start. Begin by listing all of your income and outgoings for the last month. Did you overspend? Underspend? Break even? Now use that to create a budget, remember to include things that may not have been on your last months spend such as haircuts, gifts, savings. If you are underspending then please feel free to create a blog for us on how you’re doing this. If you’re like everyone else and over budget then you need to look at the obvious two things. What can you shave off or what can you add in? Be brutal, this doesn’t have to be forever, but right now what could you remove? And how much do you need to add in order to break even…? Once you know these figures you get to have the conversation about how to set and stick to a budget. What’s going well, what needs work and what’s the plan going forward. Who doesn’t love a plan?

3) Build savings. This is hard but so important for your finances and marriage. Without savings, any surprises, any forgotten bills or birthdays become a really compelling reason to argue. Mistakes will be made (we’ve personally made some corkers, one of which costing us £100,000) so we know the value of having a backup pot. Set a goal for your emergency fund and start adding to it today, even if it’s £1, let’s get that baby started. This one thing alone will bring so much peace to your relationship.

4) Find gratitude. Depending on your financial situation, this isn’t always easy. But do you have a home? A family you love? Food in the fridge? Whilst you may not be able to have the same quality of holidays as your buddy, Tina from school, what do you have that really matters? When I put our girls to bed each evening, our final little act together is to list two things we’re grateful for. Our youngest used to go to bed most nights in fear of nightmares but after a few nights of doing this, she stopped talking about bad dreams. Gratitude is good for us, good for our minds, bodies and souls. And whilst it’s easy to look at what we want more of, it can be just as easy to see what we already have been blessed with. I know how I would rather live. Having a grateful heart adds wonders to a marriage. 

5) Focus on abundance. This sits really nicely alongside gratitude. It’s very helpful to believe in - and surround yourself with thoughts of - abundance. This might sound airy fairy and we’re not suggesting you bury your head in the sand or keep overspending each month chanting “money is coming to me”, fun as this sounds. There is a reason this is number four on the list and not number one. Get the other steps done first, know your numbers and your budget, stick with them and keep your mind and eyes open for ways to save or earn more money. We’re saying be positive. A positive mindset is not only helpful in attractive positive things into your life, it has a huge impact on your relationship. Believe me, we’ve had many a chat about money and it’s felt all doom and gloom, and these chats never lead to intimacy. But talking about money in a positive way, making a plan, seeing abundance; that is what leads to a happier, more connected marriage, these subjects, especially this one really matters.      

Stop watching the news and spend less time on social media. It’s almost impossible to stop comparing your spend and your financial situation to Tina if you keep popping onto Facebook to see what exotic location she’s off to. It’s also really difficult to steer clear of the negative narrative around money if you watch the news every night. Remember you’re trying to be more positive, more grateful and think abundantly. Be conscious of where you spend your time, if you need social media for some amazing group you’re a part of, why not silence everything else? Don’t watch or scroll unconsciously, you are the boss of where you spend your time and energy. We recommend spending it on some fun and chocolate-filled money meetings, journaling on gratitude or abundance; spend it with your partner. Bens having to run a marathon to run off our date/money/chocolate nights - LOL

I hope this helps. Perhaps it will not fix your money worries and lord knows it will not bring down your food shopping bill. But financial management is a part of life and one which should not negatively impact your marriage, that’s what kids are for.