Unmasking Your Identity; You are not who you think you are

We often believe who we are is determined by: our relationships, our stuff, our kids, our image, our thoughts and feelings, our experiences; our story. 

And this becomes a problem because when we attach who we are to what we have and what we do, we very quickly come to believe that to be more, we must have or do more. And this is a far cry from the truth, and real happiness. 

Let’s look at our relationships (our favourite subject) as an example. If the relationship we have with our partner isn’t good, one of us must be broken or at fault. If we convince ourselves it’s them, then we can hold onto the identity that we’re a good partner/person even though we’re entirely blaming them. Or perhaps you take responsibility for the brokenness of the relationship and therefore supporting your beliefs that you’re a bad partner/person. 

Personally, I am the blamer. If something goes wrong in my life I instantly look around for who - or what - is to blame. I cling onto the identity of me being a good and decent person. I have a good relationship because I am a loving woman and so if it breaks down, it’s obviously his fault. In time this hurts me, though I hate to admit it. My positive identity is threatened by poor relationships and so I seek to end them and move on, which isn’t really the premise of a strong and happy marriage. 

It’s the same with the relationships we have with our children and how we believe they should be. Our children are a reflection of our parenting and of ourselves, which can be painful. But only because we are so very often identifying who we are, with how we parent. Such pressure we put on ourselves and our children! But truly none of us wish to be defined by how we parent. There must be a million books and a billion blogs on the subject of parenting plus a load of labels and styles. As our children grow we often wonder if we selected the right style, we start to see the mistakes and bad habits and before long we see we actually aren’t perfect parents and once more our identity is shaken.      

So who are we really?

We are not what we have, we are not what we think or feel, and we are definitely not how we parent or love. Believing those things creates over the long term a poor relationship with ourselves. And keeps us separated from those around us; those we love.

Who we are is who we are right now in this present moment. We are a vessel, we are creative beings, we are different, yet equal, we are perfectly made, yet flawed, we are alive, we are here.

Our identity and who we are comes not from the accumulation, but in the letting go; in the less, not more. The subtraction, not the addition of things. We carry with us so many labels and wear so many hats; all of which serve as a distraction, a way to attempt connection to others a lot of the time. But true connection comes through the less attractive parts of life: the grief, the sadness, the pain and suffering; the reality. 

Who we are is not ‘out there’ amongst the noise, it is ‘in here’, in the silence.

Let’s shake off our roles and silence our thoughts, let’s begin to see who we are not. And then let’s attempt just occasionally to take off our masks and be in the present with who we truly are. 

Photo by Mikhail Nilov: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-holding-a-mardi-gras-full-face-mask-9392056/