What To Do When It Feels As If Your Marriage Is Falling Apart
Most couples visit this season throughout their relationship. It’s the season where you feel unheard, unappreciated, perhaps no longer cared for. It’s a dark place and if the couple dwells here for too long, it can be really difficult (though not impossible) to climb out.
All is not lost. Before taking drastic measures you may wish to read on for our tips on what to do when you feel as if your marriage is falling apart.
1) You may feel like you’ve done all you can; that it is largely their fault that the marriage is in pieces. However, you must take some responsibility. I know, it’s hard to read this and you probably want to stop reading now and do another search. But just hold fire and give this a chance. Because trust me, this is the only first step.
It’s very easy to look at your partner and see all the things they’ve done to you. After all, it's probably been going on for a while. I doubt you can remember the last time he or she made you feel loved or special. Can you remember the last time you felt truly appreciated? These things hurt so much, especially when you give so much yourself. The answer to this indicates just how long this has been going on. Husbands and wives stop appreciating, stop caring for a reason. And I’m not saying the failings are on you, or that you’re bad. But I am suggesting that you take some time to think about the reasons your partner changed, when did it start? Why did they stop listening and caring? Were they communicating something to your prior? Is there a behaviour in yourself which you know is a challenge for your partner? And if there isn’t it may just be your perfection (or belief in it!) that’s difficult…
2) Take a journal, step away from your life for an hour, put yourself in their shoes, be brutally honest about your own weaknesses and how this might be affecting your other half. This is as humbling and helpful as it is difficult.
I know what you’re thinking, surely now it’s their turn? Not really. You already know your partner’s faults! And the truth is, you likely knew them quite soon into the relationship but you ignored them for reasons of your own. His or her strengths - or dashing good looks - would have tipped the scales in their favour no doubt. We all do it. Step 2 is to build you both up. Using your journal write the things that you both do well. What do you love about your partner? What do you appreciate in them? What works with the two of you; what are you grateful for? I know this sounds simplistic when you feel like your marriage is falling apart! But it was the small things that probably got you here, and the small things that can help you get back on track. Believe me, the resentment you carry shows… And though you may be right about much of his or her behaviours if you keep focussing on them, they will soon be the only thing you see. And again, this will show.
3) Having done a little work on yourself and on your thoughts about your partner, it’s time to take some time for yourself. Problems in marriage are seriously compounded when we don’t take care of ourselves. You need to invest in yourself. What are the things that fill you? What do you need more (or less) of in your life?
What tends to happen in marriage breakdown is one person works really hard to keep it on track, and though they often start to feel resentful they continue working just as hard. Until they begin to break, in line with what feels like the breaking of the relationship. The hardworking partner will often sacrifice their own desires for the sake of an adequate marriage, they fail themselves to give their marriage a chance of success. But it does the opposite. I know it’s cliche but you do have to put your own oxygen mask on first. How happy are you? How fulfilled? I cannot stress the importance of finding happiness independent of your partner; from that place your resentment lessens, the focus on his or her failings will blur; your marriage will improve.
4) Our final tip is to try a Couples Council. This is a place where you can each have a voice, a time for you to learn even more about your partner - and of course yourself. The Couples Council is sacred, and beautiful. Here’s how it works.
You’ll need: a candle, a talking piece (a stick or something similar) and a stoker (select one of you to run the Council)
The rules:
Only the holder of the talking piece can speak
Speak from your heart
Be specific (not too much waffle hate and blame, get to the point as best you can)
Do not retaliate to comments, simply listen
How it works: The stoker will suggest prompts, for example:
“What do you think we do well in our marriage?”
“How happy are you in our marriage and what would make you happier?”
“What one thing would you change about our marriage?”
“What are you grateful for - in life and in our relationship?”
Keep it brief, the intention is to communicate in a positive way, always end on a positive note, you don’t want to feel critical or criticised. And try not to make it into an opportunity to talk about ALL of the failings! Even if you did it perfectly, your partner can only hear one piece of feedback at any time.
It should be a space to explore one big thing at a time and then used to discover some new insights and experience some positive sharings together. After a few prompts/questions there is a simple closing question such as “how did you feel at the start of our council and how do you feel now?” or “what one learning will you take from this meeting into tomorrow?”.
When you’ve both answered, the meeting is closed and the candle extinguished.
We have found these meetings to be profound in our marriage and in those we support.
I hope this post has been useful. You may not feel you can take all of the above steps, they certainly aren’t easy and I understand that people at this breaking point are in varying degrees of pain. Of course if you don’t feel able to do these things for any reason, I would suggest reaching out to a professional for counselling or therapy. Speak to a few different people and choose someone who understands and resonates with you both as much as possible.
Sending respect and love to anyone who’s marriage is falling apart. It is a very difficult place to be in and we hope that you manage to find a kind and peaceful way forward.
Please get in touch if any of the above resonated - we know we can help
(Photo by Keira Burton)