How do I get my partner onboard with couples counselling/coaching/therapy?
So as you can imagine we hear this a lot, at least one partner has woken up to the fact that:
Their relationship is miserable and they can no longer continue on
They can no longer live with their partners behaviour in its current form
They really want to improve their marriage and they just don't know how to enrol their partner in taking positive action towards healthy change
We get asked a lot what can be done to get my partner on the same page? How can I approach that conversation? How can I make them see what we need? and "Ben just tell me exactly what to say to get him to speak to you!" the last one always makes me laugh out loud, but its really a challenging situation.
When you open up to counselling, coaching or therapy, someone is going to essentially point out what you are BOTH doing that is causing you problems. That can be really uncomfortable, especially when you have been living this way for a sustained period of time (measured often by years), even if the relationship is miserable, change is absolutely terrifying. We will do so much more to cling onto the certainty of misery over and above inviting change into our relationships with uncertain outcomes.
Now we understand how you feel, let us look at some steps that can be taken to actually approach this conversation, I apologise in advance that there is no easy way through here, but nothing worth having is ever easy to accomplish AND we are talking about your No.1 relationship in the world, so yes, its hard, but there is nothing more valuable to invest your time in:
1) Identify the real start point - Our start point often feels like, they are angry, they are inappropriate, they have done (X,Y,Z), they are the one with the problem and they need to sort it out. Although these are some things that you might be aware of, you are only seeing one small part of a much bigger picture. I encourage you to see the start point as 'we', i.e 'We are not connecting', 'We aren't spending time together', 'We have become housemates'. You wouldn't say these words to them, but we want to shift our focus from the 'evil monster' to looking at the bigger problem and moving towards solutions for 'we' not 'he or she'.
2) Appreciate their reality - Put yourself in their shoes (I know its hard as they wont to begin with want to put themselves in your shoes), to make your communication effective, you have to begin to appreciate where they are at. They likely feel disconnected themselves, feeling a lot of life and/or money pressure, still healing from previous poor relationships with parents, ex partners, friends and people that have let them down and just given up on them. They might be feeling isolated, lonely, beating up on themselves, or just in a bad place right now. You don't know, so don't make any assumptions, often people will want to deny how much they are suffering and until they are ready, they will deny that they are - remember that, you are ready to open up to your misery, they might not yet be ready to open to theirs. You can keep learning how to love them, until they are ready.
3) Pick the right time - Even if you have the worlds most valuable secret, if your partner is in a lot of physical or emotional discomfort, or is in the middle of fixing something and they are right 'in the thick of it' or they are completely disengaged and watching their favourite sport, its VERY unlikely that they will care about the secret or even be able to hear the words. The good news is that its not about you. When are focus is directed someplace else, usually we are in the 'someplace else' box, we are not in the 'tell me the greatest secret I am ready to hear it now' box. What we say is however important the content, if you pick the wrong time, you will be doing your partner and yourself a disservice because they just will not be able to hear it.
"I hear you Ben but this is about our marriage and we are both so unhappy, how can they deny it?" Thats a really good question, their denial is NOT intentional, nor is it personal, they are simply in their unconscious coping strategy where a lot of their pain and suffering is filtered out, they are essentially and respectfully deaf to your content right now. So choosing a time that works is really smart. Examples of times that might work:
After they have had sometime to themselves after work, after you have done something kind for them, after you have reminded them what a great partner and human they are, make sure they have eaten food, when their focus is NOT on finances/the kids/their physical ailments.
If you aren't sure - ask them "When is a good time?"
4) Be kind and clear with your request - Its only natural that you are going to be feeling a little anxious or fearful as you open up about this and they will sense that, when we feel anxious, we might rush our words, use a demanding tone, or use words that describe their bad behaviour to lever in what you want to explore, I encourage you to avoid this, it will only make them be more defensive.
Example opening statements:
1) I have been noticing lately that I am avoiding spending time with you, that must not feel very nice for you. I would like to explore why I do that - are you open to speaking to someone else about this?
2) When I spoke to you in an unkind way yesterday, I am not clear on why I am doing that and I would like to learn how to stop it, are you willing for us to speak to someone about it?
3) I have been prioritising other things over you for a long time, I really want to learn how to prioritise you again, are you willing for us to speak to someone about it?
4) We have had our wires crossed sexually for sometime now, I would really like to be on the same page with you on this subject, can we speak to someone about it?
5) I have noticed that I bring a lot of fear to our finances, I really want to do better with how supportive I am around that subject, In have got the name of someone who can help us discuss that subject, are you willing to speak to them with me?
These are not guaranteed to work, but as you can see, you lead with what have you been doing that has been unhelpful, its so logical to lead with what they have been doing, but nobody likes hearing it that way, it just wont work. So be open to doing something different - why not choose to be that kind of leader for your relationship.
6) Let go of your attachment to the outcome - It took a lot of courage on your part to open this chapter of the book with your partner - way to go you! That is a kind and loving thing to do, even if its rejected, scorned, laughed at or thrown in your face. You had to take this step at some point and thats where the magic is, in taking the step, not forcing the outcome. You have to both choose this, just like you both chose to be in the relationship, so relax and avoid making judgements about what that means and projecting into the future. You get multiples shots at this so give it a few days, cool off, learn and try again just as gently, or even more gently next time.
7) Remember you have other choices - Even if you don't get exactly what you want right away, there are lots of really helpful resources out there to accelerate your own learning about you, the more you know about you, the easier it will be when you come to improve your relationship anyway - learning is key.
Our top two book recommendations would be:
1) The wisdom of the enneagram https://amzn.to/3OvZR7t
or Enneagram made easy https://amzn.to/43ijvrC
2) The seven principles for making marriage work
There are countless helpful videos out there, although hard to dig through the sales vids and good content vids, keep looking, don't give up, you'll find them.
If you are experiencing any form of abuse we suggest reaching out immediately to citizens advice to find out what your rights and choices are: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/
Love
Ben x
